up
I made a bridge between us then I slowly burned it
[ 682 ]
— 22 January
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Photograph by Arcade Fire
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17 January
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— to my lovely friends

I know it seems like I’m practically living in an isolated cave disconnected from everything. I’m rarely on any form of social media and I’m extremely bad at replying messages. I just want to let you guys know that I get so ridiculously happy whenever I talk to you and it doesn’t matter how long it’s been since I’ve last talked to you, it always feels the same.

So basically I’m an asshole who takes forever to reply and dislikes talking via messages. Love you guys.

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02 June
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— 06/02/2013

A few days ago, our school had an art grad show. Basically, our class set up all of our artworks since gr.9 and set it up in the classrooms, and throughout the halls. Each of us got our own areas, and hung up our artworks on the walls or set them up on tables. It was a really busy night, and moving around all those tables and chairs was huge workout. Our whole class was literally sweating buckets after moving everything and setting it up, it was pretty gross. In the end though, I guess it was worth it.

I actually had no idea how I was going to set up my works, and didn’t even bring any of my own easels like some of my classmates did. In the end, I just went around the school borrowed a few desks and cardboard boxes, some fabrics from the fashion room and managed to come up with a finishing product. I’m actually surprised it looked pretty decent. 

The best part about that night was probably seeing everyone’s artwork, even though I’ve already seen them before. It was as if I was in an actual art gallery. It was surprising to see so many strangers looking at our artwork and actually taking pictures of them.

Although there were times I hated my own artwork, or was really stressed about deadlines, I somehow pulled through and my art has improved so much in these 4 years. Anyway, I think the grad show made me realize how much I’ll miss this program, and all my classmates.

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11 May
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— 05/10/2013

Haven’t been on tumblr in a while so I’ll just throw in a quick update. Things are really busy as usual, but I’m feeling great at the same time?? I don’t know, I just feel happier lately. School has been the same, my marks aren’t really going up but they’re not going down either so I guess that’s fine.

There’s been a lot of rumors lately though and everyone keeps telling me my friend would prompose to me..but I’m really hoping it doesn’t happen because I don’t know how I’ll respond. But honestly… I really wished he’d talk about this with me privately rather than having all his friends ask me indirectly. It’s just really irritating, having people in my face continually asking me whether I’d say yes.

I just can’t wait until summer, I’m really excited to go back to Taiwan this year. I’m going for this program where American/Canadian Taiawnese teens teach kids English in Taiwan for a week, and spend the next two weeks touring around Taiwan. I’m not really sure on the details but I’m really excited for it.

And I also just watched the film for The Great Gatsby. I’ve read the book already so I pretty much knew everything beforehand, but I loved the film anyway. The film just brought everything to life and everything about it was just amazing, especially the soundtrack. I was hesitant to watch it in 3D at first too but I’m glad I did. They made the 3D effects really subtle, unlike many other films which go overboard with them I guess. Carey Mulligan was beautiful too. The whole movie was beautiful ok, ahhhh that scene with the green light. Yeah ok it’s late and I need sleep…right after I download the whole soundtrack.

Also vector cereal and yogurt are delicious together.

[ 153079 ]
— 19 April
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"

It’s taboo to admit that you’re lonely. You can make jokes about it, of course. You can tell people that you spend most of your time with Netflix or that you haven’t left the house today and you might not even go outside tomorrow. Ha ha, funny. But rarely do you ever tell people about the true depths of your loneliness, about how you feel more and more alienated from your friends each passing day and you’re not sure how to fix it. It seems like everyone is just better at living than you are.

A part of you knew this was going to happen. Growing up, you just had this feeling that you wouldn’t transition well to adult life, that you’d fall right through the cracks. And look at you now. La di da, it’s happening.

Your mother, your father, your grandparents: they all look at you like you’re some prized jewel and they tell you over and over again just how lucky you are to be young and have your whole life ahead of you. “Getting old ain’t for sissies,” your father tells you wearily.

You wish they’d stop saying these things to you because all it does is fill you with guilt and panic. All it does is remind you of how much you’re not taking advantage of your youth.

You want to kiss all kinds of different people, you want to wake up in a stranger’s bed maybe once or twice just to see if it feels good to feel nothing, you want to have a group of friends that feels like a tribe, a bonafide family. You want to go from one place to the next constantly and have your weekends feel like one long epic day. You want to dance to stupid music in your stupid room and have a nice job that doesn’t get in the way of living your life too much. You want to be less scared, less anxious, and more willing. Because if you’re closed off now, you can only imagine what you’ll be like later.

Every day you vow to change some aspect of your life and every day you fail. At this point, you’re starting to question your own power as a human being. As of right now, your fears have you beat. They’re the ones that are holding your twenties hostage.

Stop thinking that everyone is having more sex than you, that everyone has more friends than you, that everyone out is having more fun than you. Not because it’s not true (it might be!) but because that kind of thinking leaves you frozen. You’ve already spent enough time feeling like you’re stuck, like you’re watching your life fall through you like a fast dissolve and you’re unable to hold on to anything.

I don’t know if you ever get better. I don’t know if a person can just wake up one day and decide to be an active participant in their life. I’d like to think so. I’d like to think that people get better each and every day but that’s not really true. People get worse and it’s their stories that end up getting forgotten because we can’t stand an unhappy ending. The sick have to get better. Our normalcy depends upon it.

You have to value yourself. You have to want great things for your life. This sort of shit doesn’t happen overnight but it can and will happen if you want it.

Do you want it bad enough? Does the fear of being filled with regret in your thirties trump your fear of living today?

We shall see.

"
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25 March
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— 18

Starting tomorrow I’ll be 18. I’m going to be an adult, yet I still feel extremely irresponsible, immature, and childish like I always am. I just received an offer from OCAD’s Industrial Design program, and I don’t really know what to feel right now. I’m happy yet I’m scared as well. It kind of hit me a while ago that after all this stress and busy schedules and whatsover from school…we’ll all be on our ways to a completely new environment. I don’t know but the thought of growing up makes me feel uneasy…but it also makes me happy to be able to have more freedom. 

I know I rarely go online, and never update my tumblr, but I just want to let my lovely friends know that I’m still alive and well (: I wanted to see you guys so badly during the march break, and I still do now. We definitely need to plan something, after midterms. I also just wanted to say thanks for putting up with me for so long. I don’t know what I’d do without you guys, seriously, I’m a mess. Even though I rarely get the chance to communicate with you guys (mostly my fault hahah..), whenever we do see each other, it’s as if we were in gr.8 all over again, and that makes me really happy. This is getting real cheesy but man I love you guys.

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17 February
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— 02/16/2013

Hello! It’s been a while. So the past few weeks have kind of worn me out, school and what not. But thank god it’s a long weekend, even though half of it is over already. I’m pretty excited to see some of my friends tomorrow, it’s been forever since I last saw them. 

Anyway, I went out for sushi with some friends yesterday. I felt kind of bad because I’ve been flopping out on them for a while now, and I never really met up with them outside of school much. I don’t know, sometimes I just don’t really feel like going out that much, especially with all the workload I’ve been having lately. Ahh anyways, the sushi was really good though. They got my order wrong, so they ended up giving me free dessert! That pretty much made my day LOL. I mean just look how good that is

It was friggin scrumptious. Desserts are my life. 

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03 February
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— 02/02/2013

Today was the day of the interview I’ve been preparing for so long. I have to say I felt extremely unprepared, even though I’ve been preparing this for almost a year now. I went with my friend who was also applying for the same program, and that really helped me feel less nervous.

We started off with the writing component of the test. I read the instructions given and I completely blanked out for 5 minutes. The instructions said to write about a memorable place, somewhere that left an impression on me, whether it be a familiar place or somewhere I’ve only been to once. The first thing that came to mind was the Louvre. I wrote about the physical qualities that I could remember, but it wasn’t those qualities that made the place memorable. It was the atmosphere around me, the way so many strangers from all around the world could gather in one place, so many lives crossing each other. I don’t remember what I really wrote on the essay, I kind of just wrote whatever came to my mind since we only had 30 minutes to write it.

Next I had the interview with one of the staff and a student. I don’t think I did that badly, but I stuttered way too much. Luckily my interviewer was nice and was smiling the whole time. The questions she asked me were exactly what I was expecting, basic questions, like why I was interested in Interior design, why I chose Ryerson, and asked me about a few of my portfolio works.

The last component was the drawing test. This part was fairly easy, we just had to draw an object that was given to us. After that, we had to draw what we envision as a bright an optimistic future. The teacher told us to go completely abstract on this, so it was pretty fun drawing this.

And that was it! I feel so much more relieved now. Even though I still have another interview with OCAD, I feel like I’d be prepared for that. I’m supposed to go watch movies with a few of my friends tomorrow but honestly I don’t really feel like going anywhere. I just want to sleep right now, I haven’t slept at all last night because I was so worried about the interview.

[ 201906 ]
— 30 December
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paradoxicalsentiments:

I finally watched this movie and let me tell you, there were feelings. and even though I was skeptical because I haven’t cried at a movie in years, there were tears too. I had chills during almost the entire thing because it made me restless and anxious and excited to live. I finished the book pretty recently but it still holds a really high importance for me so I can’t express how glad I am that the movie did it justice. I remember clinging desperately to the pages as I read in a useless effort to make the thin volume last forever and thinking to myself “nothing will ever make me feel the same way as this book.” but the movie did.
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30 December
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I went over to a friend’s to work on our portfolio stuff together. He kept on asking me before, but I always thought he was just joking about it. I guess in the end it was actually helpful. He helped me with my 3D project since I had no idea what I was doing. We didn’t get too much done though, eventually we just grew tired of working on it and watched random movies online. I have to say he does have good taste in movies/tv shows. Although I kind of wanted to watch it alone, we watched Perks of Being a Wallflower, and I have no words to describe it. It was just beautiful okay, and I kind of got depressed towards the end. It was hilarious watching my friend’s reactions though, my eyes were watery but he was completely bawling his eyes out. But anyway the movie was amazing, just like the book; it didn’t let me down at all. Logan Lerman fit the role of Charlie perfectly, and Emma was great as Sam too, and oh god, Patrick’s actor was amazing, and I already loved Patrick’s character so much too. I’ve been listening to “Asleep” all over again now.